Today, at work, an unhappy customer called. She demanded to be transferred to someone, but mispronounced their name. I put the phone on hold and started talking to my coworker about how dumb she must be to mispronounce such a simple name. She was on speaker instead of hold. -katasstrophy, U.S.
Today, I was bored at home and decided to do the Circle of Life from the Lion King with my rabbit. He started kicking violently as I was holding him up, causing me to drop him directly on my face. A chunk of my eyebrow is now missing, and I look exactly like Scar. -Mufasalol, UK
Today, I was using the bathroom in one of my academic buildings. I stood up and pulled up my pants, and out of my back pocket fell my keys and ID card. Hearing the splash as they hit the water, I gasped in horror and made a motion to reach in. The motion triggered the automatic flush. -SageHen47, U.S.
Today, my drama teacher was casting our upcoming show, Romeo and Juliet. I was thrilled when he picked me as Juliet. Then he announced who would be playing Romeo. My brother. -elisabooo, U.S.
Today, I wrote a love letter to this girl. I poured my heart and soul into it. I slipped it in her calculus book, and she read it. Then she showed her friend and said, "I want to know who wrote this love letter. I love them!" I told her it was me, and she said, "You liar. You're an ugly creeper." -jajabruno, U.S.
Today, I found out that my friends have been plotting for months to set me up with a guy they call "loud, smelly, and obnoxious". When I asked them why, they said it's because we "have so much in common." -Anonymous, U.S.
Today, I screamed when a snake attacked me. Oh wait, it was a rubber hose. And I'm also a 45 year old man. -Floooploopsoo, Malaysia
Today, my son recommended a book for me to read. He even said the mom in the book reminded him of me. I read it and the mom is a horrible wicked nagging woman. In the book they even say "the wicked bitch" which he took the courtesy of underlining and circling. I love you too son. -Anonymous, U.S.
Today, I drove to the store with my dog and left my keys in the ignition while I ran in to get a few things. When I came out, my dog had somehow locked the doors. -LockedOut, Canada
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