WHY ME? Christmas Horror Stories

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat.


Today, my boyfriend's mother called me. She assumed that I bought him a PS3 for Christmas, and she and the rest of his family have only purchased him games to go with it. The thing is, I already got him an expensive gift. Now, I have to scramble to come up with the money to get this for him instead, and save the coat I bought for his birthday.


Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. 


Today, I went over to my mother-in-law's house to have dinner. I was excited she invited me, since I thought she didn't like me. I ended up hanging her Christmas lights in a snowstorm while they had s'mores by the fire. 


Today, we had our annual office Christmas party. The theme of the party was "Ugliest Sweater". The winner was a sweater that I have an exact replica of in my closet. It's my favorite 'special occasion', 'family portrait' and 'holiday' sweater.


Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. 


Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put one thousand dollars on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The recipt with the 14 digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado.


Today, I work at a debt collections center and I had to call my own father. Merry Christmas.


Today, my entire extended family was over for Christmas. I opened a gift to see that it was a fruitcake and saw everyone looking at me, smiling. This is their way to tell me that they know I'm gay and that they accept me. I'm straight.

Chirstmas Wish List!

Christmas is around the corner, and everyone has a few things that they like to get. But me? Oooh no. I want LOTS of things. Here's the wishlist my greedy little mind has come up with.

A Yarn Swift

Winding a hank of yarn without a swift requires a) A friend to hold it for you or b) using your knees. Unfortunately I don't always have the luxury of A and B takes a long time, so an umbrella yarn swift would be awesooome! They also have the wooden version which is a little prettier and probably better quality, but eh. I just want it to work.

pH Testing Strips

This may seem a bit odd, especially since I'm not a chemist or anything, but I recently learned that anything you put on your hair should have a pH of 4.0 - 7.0 but 4.5-5.5 is best to close the cuticles. Theres no way I can test my hair products and homemade leave in conditioner mixes without this! 

Mandie and the Secret Tunnel

So, I read this whooole book series when I was a kid called Mandie mysteries, and now I just found out they turned it into a movie. MUST SEE! There's even a sequel. Eep! ^_^

HAIR STUFF!

Kinky Curly Knot Today and/or Curling Custard

Jojoba Oil

Castor Oil

Aloe Vera Juice

Besides the curling custard, these are all key ingredients to kimmaytube's leave in conditioner recipe! :)

Knee-High Chucks

Set of 4 Wire Storage Cubes

So, I've been having a problem with my cat knocking my my yarn out of its happy home in the bookshelf and them proceeding to BITE on it and drag it around. Might I mention that he did this with expensive alpaca yarn once? -_- 

This picture is one knitter's solution to the same problem with her cat, and I just love it! And Wally World is offering free shipping on it too! squee! ^_^

Hmmmmm, thats actually all I can think of right now, but don't you worry, I'll be sure to add to it when other things come to mind ;)

5 reasons why handmade items are pricier than Walmart and WORTH it!

1. Handmade items are...made by hand. The items I make aren't spit out by the thousands by some machine in China, I labor over them by hand usually for a few weeks before they're finished.

2. You have it your way. Try Going to Wal-mart and saying "I'd like a scarf with black and grey stripes with the stripes being about one inch wide each and the scarf length should be equal to my height. Also, I'd prefer if it was made out of machine-washable material." ....You won't leave happy.

3. Handmade items are unique. Ever bought something from JC Penney and then seen two other people wearing it that week? That is HIGHLY unlikely to happen if you buy a handmade item from me.

4. No sweat-shop guilt. My items are not made by poor children in Cambodia who get paid 30 cents a day. They're made by me!

5. Low environmental impact. My handmade items are not shipped in from Taiwan, burning fossil fuels and polluting the air. They're made right here in the United States. 

"Tyler! What are all these 'handmade items' you keep babbling about?" you may ask. Well head on over to www.tylerhandmade.com and hopefully all of your questions will be answered. If you have any more, you can always ask me here :)

Happy Monday, everyone!

Oh so punny

Some of you my remember by post about visual puns from much earlier this year. Well, I'm back with more puns to challenge your brain. See how many you can guess!

(hint: pay special attention to the numbers and the way the lines look)

(all found on somuchpun.com)

Answers

1. Duck Tape

2. F-bomb (like the F word)

3. Friendly fire

4. Lost control

5. Mug Shot

6. Tan (tangent) lines

7. Como te llama(s)? (The animal is a llama, and "como te llamas" means "what is your name" is Spanish)

8. A pimp and his hose (hos)

9. Watching a little football

10. Rubber duck E (rubber ducky) 

Hope you had fun! Enjoy your weekend!

FAIL of the day

Made a sale!

I'm sorry, but I'm soooo excited because I've finally made a sale on Etsy, and I haven't in many many weeks. I almost gave up all hope, but a few days ago, I relisted a few items (without being sure if they were worth the 20 cent listing, lol) and tonight I made a sale!!!

This is what I sold

Red and Navy Scarf

Purdy, ain't it? :)

"But Tyler," you may say. "I'd like a scarf like that too. In my favorite colors--no! My team colors. Oooh, no! My school's colors. Heck why not one of each!!!"

If that is your problem, my dear reader, I can help. Just send me an email at madametj@gmail.com telling me what colors you'd like your scarf, and we'll work something out :)

In the meantime, you can always check out the other items I have available at www.TylerHandmade.com. I have just a few precious items up right now, but I'll be adding more all throughout next week. 

Anyways, happy almost weekend everyone!

Why men should NEVER write advice columns

Zoom to about 144% on your browser to read. Enjoy!

Fashion DIY: Hawt Summer shoes

First up: Summer T-shirt Sandals





For this project you're need:
- flip flops (preferably used)
- scissors
- piece of chalk or marker 
- craft knife
- heavy duty waterproof glue
- recycled t-shirts
- screw driver
- flat butter knife or thin plastic ruler to stuff fabric into the soles. (Not shown)
- clamps (or heavy books)

Grab your stuff and head over to annekata for the full tutorial!

"Tyler," you may say, "I'm sorry but that looks like waay too much work. And I didn't happen to have any waterproof glue or clamps hanging around, sorry."

Ok, ok. It's alright dear reader. For the lazy (ahem sorry, "time conservative") of those among us I've provided a quicker solution:

Tackalicious shoes

For this DIY creation all you need is a couple of boxes of thumbtacks and a pair of cheap wedges from Walmart or Payless. Before you know it, you've paid only about $25 (maybe less) and have created a $150 pair of shoes eerily similar to "The Tick" by Jeffrey Campbell on Karmaloop.

Stick to it 'till the weekend and enjoy your Thursday, all!

Wednesday Laugh: A Store for Husbands

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where any woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!!! You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the Building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband?

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Ladies, what would your Floor 6 sign say? What about you, gentleman? What would it say for your Floor 6 ladies?

I think my Floor 6 sign would say "These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak, are creativity, spontaneous, interact well socially, and have a great sense of humor"!

What You Didn't Know About YOU

This is a little psychoanalysis test that one of my friend posted on Facebook (very reliable, I know. lol). I thought it was pretty interesting so I wanted to share it with you. I found some of the answers to by quite questionable, but most people who took it thought the results sounded very accurate. So grab a piece of paper and write down the VERY FIRST answer that comes to mind when you see the questions. Try to be specific. No peeking! Scroll down to the answers when you're done.

Answer the following questions with the first thought that comes to mind.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. With who?

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house, how big is it?

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6. You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see a table. What’s on AND around it?

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?

8. What do you do with the cup?

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at river, how big is it?

10. How will you cross the water?

ANSWERS:

1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of the problems in your life.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome atall times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

So what did you think of your answers? Bet you wished you listened to me when I said be specific, huh? lol. If you're curious (I'm sure you are) Here were my answers:

1. Vivin [my boyfriend]

2. dog

3. pet it

4. mini mansion

5. no

6. a floral centerpiece and several chairs

7. styrofoam

8. throw it away

9. farly small

10. jump

Interesting isn't it? Eh, I don't take it seriously. It was fun though :P Have a great week everyone! :)

"WHY ME?!" Embarassing Teen Stories

"One day we were talking to a cute guy, and I had a lollipop in one hand and his iPod earphone in the other. Not looking or thinking, I put what I thought was the sucker in my mouth. He looked at me and said, ‘You just put my earphone in your mouth.’ After that, I never asked to listen to his iPod again."


"We were at the playground, and my little cousin was in a baby swing, so I went and sat in one too. I crammed my legs into the seat—and I got stuck. The only way to get out was to take off my jeans! I slid out of them and onto the ground while everyone watched. I realized there were security cameras taping the whole thing!"


"I had to go to the school nurse to give a urine sample. The nurse gave me a cup, and I went into the bathroom, but as I stood up, the cup was too full and I knocked it onto my book bag! The pee got all over my books. I tried to wipe off as much as I could, but when I took my seat in class, my crush told me I smelled like pee!"


"A cute guy in my class came over one night to study, and as we were doing research online, he clicked on a pic on my computer—it was a one of him from his MySpace page! I had e-mailed it to my friend earlier and forgotten to delete it. He looked at me and said, 'Um, are you stalking me or something?' I was so humiliated!"


"My cousin and I were having fun, dancing around the living room. We were doing the moves to 'Pop, Lock & Drop It' and as I went down to 'drop it,' my pants split right down the middle - just as my entire family walking into the room! Needless to say, I've definitely put my dance moves on hold for the time being."


"My boyfriend and his twin brother are on the lacrosse team, and I went to see them play. After the team won, I ran up to my BF and gave him a peck on the lips. He looked at me strangely for some reason—then I realized why! I'd gotten my boyfriend and his brother mixed up: I had just kissed his twin! I felt so bad!"


"I was at a glow-in-the-dark bowling party, so I wore a cute white v-neck. My crush was giving me all this attention and taking pictures of me. I went on Facebook later, where he had tagged photos of me. I realized my Powerpuff Girls bra glowed through my shirt! I de-tagged myself, but he won’t delete them!"


"I went over to my crush's and set my phone on the table while I went into the bathroom. When I came back, he looked sketched out. I didn't know why until I saw my phone sitting next to him with the screen was showing—it was a stalkarazzi-style picture of him! I felt like such a freak!"


Found on Seventeen.com

Funniest News Ever

Rarely would I find news of an attempted rape to be funny, but you'll be smiling (at least!) after watching these two videos. I promise :)

How-To Tuesday: Alexander Wang Cage Dress

Inspiration

Results

What you need:

• 1 large T-shirt
• sharp scissors
• patience and sticktoitiveness!

The How-to: click here for the tutorial! :)

Kool Aid + ..Yarn?? = An Interesting Experiment

When I'd been knitting for about a year or so I read an article on Knitty (yes, I'm a knitting dork. lets all laugh :P) with a tutorial for how to dye your yarn in a crock pot. I just laughed thinking, Wow. Knitting is one thing, but I can't believe some people actually spin and dye their own yarn. Sheesh. Lets not take a good hobby too far here people. Sooo here we are 4 years later and I'm blogging about my first yarning dying experiment! :)

We start off with a simple little 2 gram hank of sock yarn. Hmm, what color to dye it though?

Oooh how about Strawberry Kiwi! That should make the white parts look pinkish and and give the blue parts a plurply look I'm guessing. Let's see how this turns out! :)

Ok, so the instructions say I should wash the yarn and soak it for a bit.

Alright now it says two packs of Kool Aid per 50 grams of yarn. My super awesome math guesstimation skills say about half 1/2 a teaspoon should do it.

Mix in a little water and I'm almost ready to toss the yarn in! 

Ahhh ok. Apparently my super guestimation skills are a tad off. Definitely NOT enough color. Lets try another teaspoon of Kool Aid.

Perfecto!

Now for the mad scientist portion. Gotta zap my yarn baby in the microwave for 2 whole minutes. Eep!

Looks like the experiment was a success!

And the colors turned out just how I expected them to ^_^

And it looks quite cozy in my sock yarn blankie :)

July Is....

National Ice Cream Month!


In honor of this special and oh-so-tasty holiday, I've put together a collection of ice cream inspired handmade items from artists on Etsy.com. Enjoy!

Strawberry Ice Cream Candle by kokocandles

Ice Cream Birthday Banner by DevinPrather

Ice Cream Scoop Soap by countrycraftsncandie

Ice Cream Journaling Spots by ChelseaVanTol 

(not sure what journaling spots are, but these are cute!)

Ice Cream Bowls with matching spoons by LRStudio

Chocolate Mint Ice Cream Soap by sailormouthsoaps

Origami Thank You Card by tokyocrafts

Hot Fudge Sundae Candle by Culinarychiqconcepts